Scam I Am
by owlcroft
Summary: Teddy and the aunts. Teddy and Arthur Farnell. Can life hold any more?


Disclaimer: None of the major characters in this story belong to me and I'm not infringing anything or anyone.

Beta Thanks: My sincere gratitude to all of you, but especially to Cheri, who saved Arthur Farnell from a sad fate.

SCAM I AM

by

Owlcroft

"So, you talked to Teddy and it's all set?" Judge Hardcastle looked over the top of his newspaper at the man sitting opposite.

Mark McCormick nodded and swallowed the last of his juice. "He's coming over today after work to look at the files. You know, Judge, I'm really not happy with the aunts being here for all this." He glanced cautiously over his shoulder at the door to the kitchen. "If Farnell gets out on bail, it could get a little hairy around here."

Hardcastle put down the paper and rubbed a hand across his chin. "Well, what am I supposed to do? They didn't exactly ask me about changing their flight home, ya know." He sighed deeply. "Look, I got some guys that owe me a little favor and I'm gonna have 'em over here babysitting if things get --" He looked up suddenly. "Aunt May! That looks great!"

May Hardcastle placed an enormous platter of muffins in front of the judge. "Zora's bringing more coffee. Now, Mark, eat up, dear."

McCormick helped himself to three muffins, grinning at his adoptive aunt. "What kind are these?"

"Dried cherry with orange zest. We think they're pretty good." She turned to help her sister with the tray of coffee and mugs.

Zora smiled and said, "Next time, we might add a little ground cloves. Or maybe nutmeg. What do you think, Milton?"

Hardcastle was carefully pondering the half-eaten muffin in his hand. "You want the truth?"

His aunts nodded anxiously.

"I think I've put on eight pounds this past week and this is gonna make it nine."

May and Zora grinned at him and turned to McCormick for his opinion.

Mark smiled at them as well as he could with his mouth full and held up a thumb, nodding emphatically.

"Oh, good." Zora leaned back in her chair. "Now, when you're through with breakfast, there are a few places right here on the Pacific Coast Highway we'd like to see, so if Mark's free for the morning . . .?" She raised her eyebrows interrogatively at the judge.

"Ah," he cleared his throat, "well, we do have some things to take care of downtown. You know," he looked at McCormick meaningfully. "Teddy's P.O. and the set-up to go through."

Mark swallowed his second muffin. "Yeah, but you can do that and I can drive the aunts around. You sure don't need me there, and besides," he grinned at Hardcastle, "what they have planned sounds like more fun."

May reached over and touched the judge on the forearm. "Milton, please. We're only going to be here another four days and we've _so _looked forward to this."

"Yeah, fine, okay." The judge shrugged and held up his hands in surrender.

McCormick winked at the aunts and then said placatingly, "Tell you what, Judge. We'll meet you down there and take you to lunch. How's that?"

Zora smiled at him. "That's a wonderful idea, Mark. We'll go to Barney's Beanery again. That's your favorite place, isn't it, Milton?"

"Oh, no," groaned Hardcastle. "Not after you tried to get that woman arrested for poisoning her husband. I'll never be able to show my face there again!"

"Don't be silly, Milton," scolded May. "That was an honest mistake."

Zora nodded in agreement. "We explained it all to the manager and," she lowered her voice to a whisper, "we left a _very _good tip." She sat back and smiled complacently.

McCormick snickered at the judge's expression of resignation.

ooooo

Hardcastle came out of Randolph's office still thanking him for the cooperation. "Everything should be wrapped in just a few days and I'll be sure you're kept in the loop the whole way. Uh-oh."

Max Randolph, Parole Officer, looked down the hallway to see what had disconcerted the judge. He saw two older women, escorted by a familiar face. "Your aunts?"

"Yeah, but there may be trouble coming from that end of the hall." He motioned to the left.

"Oh, Dalem?" Randolph looked at the judge questioningly. "He was McCormick's P.O., right?"

"Yeah. Hang on here a minute. I wanna watch this." Hardcastle tugged at Randolph's arm and pulled him aside, but within hearing distance of the encounter.

"McCormick, back again? And with company this time?" John Dalem stopped in front of the trio and smiled unpleasantly.

"Ladies, this is Mr. Dalem. He was my Parole Officer before I started working for the judge." Mark smiled at Dalem innocently. "These are my aunts, Mrs. Harrison and Miss Hardcastle."

"How do you do," said Zora politely, noticing the confusion that crossed Dalem's face.

"Very nice to meet anyone that's connected with Mark," said May. She slipped a protective hand through his left elbow and held her head up very straight.

"I thought you didn't have any relatives," said Dalem slowly. "And if your name," he turned toward May, "is Hardcastle? You must be related to _Judge _Hardcastle."

"Yes," said May frostily. "He's our nephew by blood. Mark is our nephew by adoption."

Zora put a hand through McCormick's right arm. "Yes, he was kind enough to adopt us. Such a dear boy." She beamed up at Mark adoringly.

"You must miss him terribly, Mr. Daleman." May smiled at him graciously. "But you must be _very _proud of the wonderful work he's doing."

Mark hung his head humbly and shrugged, still smiling.

"Yes, well . . ." Dalem was at a loss. "I suppose . . ."

"Time to jump in, I think," muttered the judge. "See ya, Max." He lifted a hand in greeting and yelled, "Over here! Aunt May! Aunt Zora!"

"It's always a pleasure to meet a _friend_ of Mark's." May pulled McCormick around to face the judge.

"Yes, indeed," threw Zora over her shoulder. "Very nice, Mr. Dilman."

Mark smothered a laugh as well as he could.

"Now, ladies." Hardcastle wiped a hand across his face to hide his grin. "Was that nice?"

"No, but it _was _satisfying, wasn't it, Zora?" May looked at her sister. "Some people just need a little settling."

"And I've never trusted anyone with shifty eyes like that. Did we lay it on too thick, Mark?" Zora patted his arm.

McCormick shook his head. "It was perfect!"

"You set this up?" The judge asked McCormick.

"Oh, no. I had no idea he'd even be here today. But," he glanced fondly at his aunts, "my aunts are always dependable."

"Come on, Milton. Lunch." Zora transferred to Hardcastle's arm. "You know we can size people up just by looking at them. And that Dalem definitely is not someone we care to know."

ooooo

Over lunch, the aunts told Hardcastle all about the Thelma Todd Sidewalk Cafe and how they'd managed a peek into the garage where she'd been found dead of monoxide poisoning.

"I remember reading about that case." The judge looked thoughtful as he chewed and swallowed. "They called it accidental, but there was talk about the mob and suicide and nobody ever really did figure out exactly what happened."

Mark was looking at Hardcastle's plate. "Why," he asked, "do you always get the same thing? Chili and beans and hot dog and cheese. There must be a thousand things on the menu and you always get that."

"I _like _chili and beans and hot dog and cheese."

"And then we went to the apartment where Raymond Chandler lived. Milton, you have no idea how much we looked forward to that." Zora looked at May. "We took so many pictures I think we have to buy some more film."

May was toying with the remains of her seafood omelette. "Oh, I found two more rolls in my purse." She suddenly froze, then said out of the corner of her mouth, "Zora, look!"

McCormick stopped just as he was about to take an enormous bite of his guacamole bacon burger. "No. Now, really, _no_," he said warningly.

"But he switched plates with that other man!"

Zora had her compact up in front of her face to scrutinize the people behind her. "Which one, dear?" she demanded.

The judge had his head in his hands. "Somebody make them stop," he moaned.

"The one with the beard. Three tables over. He waited until that other man was turned away, then he switched plates with him. Milton, you have to do something!" May pushed her chair away from the table. "If you won't stop him--"

"Hold it, hold it." McCormick stood up and waved the aunts back to their seats. "_I'll_ take care of this." He turned to face the other end of the room and yelled, "Hey! You with the beard! Did you just switch plates with that guy you're with?"

Hardcastle had both hands pressed firmly against his forehead.

The bearded man looked startled, then nodded hesitantly.

"Great. Thanks!" Mark sat back down and smiled at May and Zora. "Probably just wanted to sample what the other guy ordered." He turned his attention back to his burger.

The judge sat back in his chair, sighed deeply, and then scowled at McCormick. "We're gonna have a little talk when we get home! And you two," he sighed again and looked piteously at his aunts. "Why do you do this to me?" he asked plaintively.

The manager bustled over to their table at that point and Hardcastle had to explain that he was responsible for the crazy people he was with and they'd behave from now on.

"I mean it." He turned a stern expression on Zora, then May. "You've already corrupted McCormick. I had him well-trained enough to go out in public before you two got hold of him."

The aunts looked repentant until Mark winked at them, then they hastily deployed napkins to hide their faces.

ooooo

On the way home, they'd stopped at the supermarket for dinner ingredients.

"If a _real _friend of Mark's is coming, we'll make a nice pot roast," the aunts had insisted.

Now the smells from the kitchen were enticing as Hardcastle and McCormick waited in the den for Teddy Hollins to arrive.

"How much have you told him about Farnell?" queried the judge.

"Enough." McCormick was lounging in the armchair at the end of Hardcastle's desk. "Enough for him to decide if he wanted to help. I mean, he knew about the guy before -- who didn't? But when I told him about the blown case and the appeal, he offered, Judge. I didn't even have to ask. He said 'Can I help?' and he meant it."

"Yeah, well, if he--"

The doorbell rang and, at almost the same moment, someone knocked on the front door.

"I'll get it," called McCormick as he stood up.

Waiting at the front door was a slender, slightly pale young man in jeans and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow.

"Ted-dy!" said Mark as he swung the door open. "Right on time. Judge's in the den."

"Hey, Mark." Teddy Hollins walked tentatively down the steps into the den. "Hey, Judge Hardcastle." He peered briefly around, then asked, "You got somebody cooking something?"

"Oh, yeah," the judge waved him to a chair at the far end of the desk. "My aunts are staying here for another coupla days. Pot roast."

"Smells great. You guys are really lucky." Teddy sat down and clasped his hands in his lap.

"Oh, you're invited, Ted." Mark grinned at him. "First business, then food."

Teddy ducked his head nervously. "Great. Thanks."

"Look, Teddy," said the judge slowly, "you don't _have _to do this. I know it's asking a lot of you--"

"No, no, really. I _want _to. You guys really saved my life and I owe you a lot. I told Mark anything I can do to help out . . ." Hollins smiled briefly. "I mean, it's only for one day, right?"

"Yeah. I've got it all--" The judge broke off as Aunt May appeared in the doorway to the hall.

"Five minute warning," she said. Then, noticing the newcomer, she walked carefully down the steps and extended a hand to him. "I'm May Hardcastle."

Teddy rose quickly and took her hand. "Uh, hi. I'm, uh . . ."

"Teddy Hollins," May helped him. "You're a friend of Mark's and you're helping him and Milton with their current case, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I guess they've told you . . ."

"_And _you're staying for dinner which will be ready in four minutes." May smiled gently at him. "Come help me set the table, Teddy." She put a hand on his arm and escorted him into the dining room.

"She'll have him chattering like a jay in no time." The judge looked at McCormick. "You sure he can do this? He seems a little doubtful to me."

"He can do it, Judge. Trust me."

ooooo

"This is delicious! It's the best pot roast I've ever had!" Teddy reached for the roasted vegetables again.

"Why, thank you, dear," said Zora, smiling. "Have another roll." She passed him the bread plate.

May beamed at him as she handed him the butter. "What exactly are you doing, Teddy, to help with the case?"

"Oh, I'm going to jail." He blithely spread butter on his roll and took a bite.

The judge noticed the looks of dismay the aunts cast each other and decided to explain. "See, a guy named Farnell that we sent up a coupla years ago has bribed a juror and gotten a new trial. So what we need is information on where the money came from and who did the actual contacting," he pointed at Teddy with his fork, "and that's where Teddy is going to do _his_ part."

"Farnell already knows me," McCormick chipped in. "So we needed somebody with a record that could play room-mate for a day in the county lock-up."

"Me," said Teddy proudly.

"Oh, I see," Zora looked thoughtful. "But will this man actually tell you things like that on such a short acquaintance? Surely he'd be a little more cautious than that."

"Oh, we've got a plan." Hardcastle helped himself to another slice of the roast. "See, Teddy hates me. Oh, yeah. Hates me a _lot_. And McCormick, too. Him maybe even worse than me. Right, kiddo?"

Mark grinned at the judge with his mouth full.

"'Course that's understandable since you turned him in to his parole officer for using drugs." Judge Hardcastle winked at his aunts. "I seem to've had quite an effect on McCormick, for him to turn in an old friend."

"Yeah, Mark. I just couldn't believe you'd do that to me." Teddy looked at McCormick sadly, then smiled. "But I'll get you for it!"

"Just don't cross the line, Ted. Remember what the judge said about entrapment." Mark looked at his friend seriously. "And be careful. Farnell's a really bright guy. If he figures you're stringing him, you could be in real trouble. We _know _he's got friends on the outside."

"I'll be careful. Come on, guys." Hollins spread his hands out. "Trust me."

ooooo

Arthur Farnell somehow managed to look dapper even in an orange jumpsuit.

"Well, hello there," he said cordially to the man curled on the top bunk. He held out a hand, "I'm Arthur Farnell. And you're . . .?"

Teddy shot him an angry glance. "Put a sock in it, ace, okay?"

Farnell took back his hand and surveyed Hollins critically. "I suppose I should say something about getting out of the bunk on the wrong side this morning. Well, it's your loss." He settled comfortably on the lower bunk. "I won't inconvenience you with my presence for more than a couple of hours, in any case."

The only answer was a muffled grunt from above. Farnell stretched out and dozed for nearly half an hour.

The man in the upper bunk suddenly cursed viciously and jumped down onto the floor. Pacing furiously, he slapped at the concrete wall of the cell as he paced.

Arthur Farnell watched with mild interest as Hollis muttered and swore, pushing a hand through his hair and scowling. Suddenly, he caught the name "Hardcastle".

He showed no immediate interest, merely sat up slowly and positioned himself against the wall.

"What are you looking at?" spat Teddy.

Farnell shrugged. "Apparently, a very angry man." He waited a moment, then asked, "Could this possibly have something to do with Judge Hardcastle?"

Teddy stopped pacing and stared at him. "What do you know about Hardcastle?"

"Quite a bit," Farnell replied mildly. "He did arrange for my current incarceration. May I assume the same for you?"

"You could assume that," Hollins answered sarcastically.

Farnell smiled gently. "Then we have a bond."

"A bond." Teddy resumed pacing. "That's terrific. That's what I really, really needed. A bond with some _other _guy I met in prison."

Farnell watched him pace for several minutes. Finally, he murmured, "Might one inquire if that 'guy' has some relevance to your current situation?"

"Oh, you could say that!" Teddy stood still to glare at him, then resumed his pacing. "While I was inside I had a roommate, great guy, somebody you could trust, you know? Somebody I had a _bond _with. So I looked him up when I got out, and whaddaya know; he was working for Hardcastle! Can you believe that?"

"Really? My, how unlikely." Farnell watched him suspiciously now.

"So I figure, okay. Give the guy a chance; he was a real pal in the joint, right? And this _pal_, Skid, he finds a little weed at my place and turns me in! I've busted my parole and I may go back inside because of him! It's his word against mine and who's gonna believe me?" Teddy was still pacing, still slapping at the wall. "I'll kill him for this! I _swear_ it, I will _kill_ him!"

Farnell narrowed his eyes and levered himself forward on his bunk. He sat quietly for a few minutes, then his eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled. "I never did get your name."

"Hollins, Teddy Hollins." Teddy shook his head despondently. "I still can't _believe_ it. How could he _do _something like that?" His tone was bitter now. "I thought we were _friends_!"

"Mr. Hollins," said Farnell carefully, "I wonder if you could give me just a little more information about yourself. I have a meeting with my attorney very shortly and I may perhaps have an interesting proposition for you afterward."

ooooo

"Look at that face, those beady eyes. The man's a criminal type if I ever saw one!" McCormick greeted Teddy with a smile. "How'd it go?"

"What?" Teddy pulled out a chair from beside the table and sat. "This is an interrogation room, so you have to interrogate me?"

Judge Hardcastle chuckled. "Well, we only got about a half-hour before Farnell makes his court appearance, so the kid's in a little hurry, I guess. How _did _it go?"

"I think it went okay. I think he's gonna check me out, you know, to see if I'm what he thinks I am. If the check comes up clean, then we're gonna kill you guys." Teddy smiled smugly around at the other two at the table.

"Whoa, Ted." McCormick was a little taken aback. "Really? He really said that?"

Hollins rested his arms on the table and shrugged slightly. "Not in those words. He's still tiptoeing around, but it's pretty clear. I gotta tell ya, Skid. I was a little nervous when he started hinting about murder. I mean, I guess _I _really started it, but--"

"Hold it." Hardcastle held up a hand and squinted at Teddy. "_You_ started talking about killing us? Teddy, we did kinda go over what you should say in there."

"I know, I know." Teddy winced, then brightened. "But when a guy's a good actor, sometimes the script changes, right?" He turned to Mark. "You know, Skid, I think I might really have a career in front of me. I was _good_ in there! And not nervous at all. Can't you just see my name up in lights? Teddy Hollins as Hamlet. No, Ted. No, _Theodore_ Hollins as Macbeth."

"Yeah, that's great, Ted. We'll talk about that later, okay?" McCormick looked at the judge. "This is a little unexpected. What do we do, Kemosabe?"

"Gimme a minute." Judge Hardcastle ruminated for a moment, then added, "Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I like it. If we withdraw the opposition to the bail, and he gets out, we could get him for a lot more than bribing a juror." He tapped on the table as he thought. "Just doesn't sound like Farnell, though. " He looked at Teddy again. "Are you sure you understood what he was saying? What did he offer you to do it?"

"Teddy." Mark waved a hand at him. "The Hollywood Walk of Fame can wait. What did Farnell say about knocking us off?"

"Oh, he's gonna have his lawyer represent me at the parole hearing and try to get me off with a lot of 'pay-by-the-hour' character witnesses and stuff. I think we're gonna go with the old 'it was my roommate's' claim. Then, when I get out, I get him onto the judge's property 'cause of knowing old Skid here and he takes it from there. But _I _get to kill _you_, Skid. That was part of the deal," said Teddy gleefully.

"How did he say all that without getting specific?" wondered McCormick.

"The guy's good. We knew that." The judge stood up. "I gotta talk to the D.A. about letting Farnell get bail. We'll want to keep an eye on him, too. Teddy, you got a place to meet up with him if he doesn't go back to the cell?"

"Yeah, he's set us up for tomorrow night. _If _I don't get my parole revoked." Hollins eyed the judge thoughtfully. "You sure everything's cool about that?"

Hardcastle just waved a hand at him as he walked out into the corridor.

Mark looked at Teddy menacingly. "So, _you_ get to kill _me_, huh?"

"Hey, it was just staying in character! Great actors do that all the time." Teddy leaned back in his chair and studied the ceiling. "'To be or not to be. That is the question.' You know, I've never known what that guy was talking about."

"You've never known what _you _were talking about." McCormick shook his head. "Teddy, this is serious stuff. You sure you want to go on with this? We could just go back to the juror-bribing stuff if you want. Murder charges are something else altogether."

"I said I would do this, Skid. Really, it's okay." Teddy smiled reassuringly. "Besides, what could go wrong?"

ooooo

Zora and May met them concernedly at the door of the main house that evening. They both craned past the judge and McCormick, then Zora asked, "Where's Teddy?"

"He's fine. Don't be worried about him, but things have changed a bit since this morning." The judge tried to shepherd his aunts into the house. "Come on. Everything's under control. I'll tell ya all about it, if you let me into the house."

"Oh, dear," said May worriedly. "That poor young man. Milton, he's not still in _jail_, is he?"

"Aunt May." McCormick patted her shoulder. "Aunt Zora. Teddy's fine. He's home and he's probably having pizza and beer while he tries to memorize Hamlet's speech."

The aunts looked at him confusedly.

"What he means is Teddy's okay," explained the judge. "He's not in jail, he's in his apartment, and he's probably having dinner, which I'm not. Now, could we possibly go into the kitchen," he made his voice as patient-sounding and light as he could, "and get our own dinner together, please?" He glared at McCormick over the heads of the anxious aunts.

"Right." Mark put an arm around each aunt and gently walked them toward the kitchen. "Teddy told me again this afternoon that was the best pot roast he's ever had. If there are any leftovers, maybe we could make sandwiches. And I've already asked Teddy to dinner Sunday night, so you better be planning something really special for your last night here."

"Mark, don't be ridiculous," Zora snapped. "Sandwiches for dinner!"

"We've got a lovely chicken fricassee ready to go into the oven." May turned back to the judge. "You always liked our fricassee, Milton. Now go wash up and you can pour us each a glass of sherry."

ooooo

Over the sherry, the aunts were somewhat comforted to hear that Teddy's "parole hearing" had taken place that afternoon, with a high-powered attorney presenting exculpatory information and character witnesses to the effect that Teddy was let off with a warning to find himself a different roommate.

"I was really impressed, I can tell you." Hardcastle was looking at the light through his sherry. He lowered the glass to glance at McCormick. "Farnell's got money somewhere; a lot of it, and he's conquered the fear of spending of it."

"Switzerland, you think?" Mark was still unsure whether he liked sherry, but he took another small sip. "Or one of the South American countries?"

"Could be both." The judge sniffed appreciatively at the smells coming from the kitchen. "We'll find out. Now, I know you went over the plan with Teddy before he was 'released from custody'. Are you sure he's got it?"

"Milton, Teddy may have the plan straight, but we _don't_. I think it's time you told us what's going on and what to expect." Zora looked at her sister for support.

May nodded decisively. "That's right. And dinner's not going to be served until we do."

Zora nodded this time.

Hardcastle sighed. He looked at McCormick, who looked back at him and said, "It would be a good idea, Judge. And I'm _really _hungry."

The judge sighed again, then set his glass on his desk and looked seriously at the aunts. "Okay. But," he held up a finger, "you don't tell anyone else, and," he held up a second finger, "you don't get involved. You stay right here in the house and don't interfere. Deal?"

May and Zora traded glances, then both nodded and said, "Deal."

"Okay," said the judge again. "We think maybe Farnell's gonna get Teddy to help him kill us, probably day after tomorrow." Ignoring the aunts' gasps, he went on, "Teddy's gonna meet up with him tomorrow night and get whatever information he can to us that night; then we'll set things up so that when he and Farnell spring whatever trap they set, Farnell will be looking at attempted murder charges, instead of just bribing a juror and all the original charges of the first trial. Now, the problem may be that Farnell wants to hire somebody else to make the actual hit; that's still conspiracy to commit, but we want Teddy to get him involved personally as much as possible. Are you with me so far?"

"I think so," said Zora slowly. "You're giving this Farnell person a chance to commit attempted murder so he'll have a longer ticket at the big house."

"I see," May said excitedly. "Once he's stated his intentions, Teddy will turn on him and make the collar; and the police will come out of hiding to cuff and Mirandize him. Isn't that it?"

"Then," added Zora, "he'll be booked on charges of assault, felonious possession of a handgun, and conspiracy to commit as well as juror-bribing." She beamed at May, who nodded in satisfaction.

"Yeah, basically." Hardcastle picked up his glass and tipped it back to get the last few drops. "That's if all this is true. I know Farnell and this just isn't his style. He's slick, sharp, and smooth and there's a chance this is all just camouflage for something else going on. Oh, well. I got that covered, too. Anyway, there's a lot more detail and organization to it all, but that's the nut. Now, chicken?"

May looked at her watch. "Ten more minutes, dear. It seems to me that Teddy could be in some danger, though. That man Farnell sounds like an ugly customer."

"And when they do make the hit, it could be very dangerous for all of you." Zora tugged at the hem of her apron nervously. "They could have guns, you know. And suppose this Farnell person brings someone else with him and Teddy?"

"Then the cops we got stationed in the bushes will jump out and arrest them. We're not amateurs here, ya know. I got it all scoped out, okay?" The judge looked at his aunts with a serious expression. "All I'm worried about is you two. I want you to promise that you'll stay _in the house_. No running around on the patio or standing on the steps or going out to the garage. You stay in the house and let us handle it. All right?"

"Well, dear, all I can say," May checked her watch and rose to head toward the kitchen, " is that I feel just a little unappreciated, considering all the help we've been to you in the past."

ooooo

"What did you mean when you said this isn't Farnell's style, but you 'got that covered', too?" McCormick was back in the leather chair at the end of the desk in the den.

"Ah, well, I've been thinking about Arthur Farnell. This all sounds a little bloodthirsty to me, considering the kinda guy he is. He's really more the suave, sophisticated kinda crook. I just wondered, that's all." He reached for the phone the instant it rang.

"Yeah, Hardcastle here. No. There's no way anybody's got a tap on your line, other than the cops," he stated positively. "So what happened?" He flipped the phone to speaker so McCormick could hear, too.

Teddy's voice came tinnily through the box on the judge's desk. "There is a tide in the affairs of men, Judge."

Hardcastle grimaced at Mark, who snorted in amusement. "Thank you for that, Shakespeare. Now, tell me what happened with Farnell!" He noticed the aunts hanging around the door to the hallway and waved them to come in.

"He came over and we talked for a long time, Judge. Did you know he'd looked me up? All the way back to high school!" Teddy laughed briefly. "He knew stuff about me _I'd _forgotten."

"Yeah, we expected that. He had his lawyer look up your prison record before he went before the parole board, remember?"

"Right, right. Well, he seemed to believe I was the guy he wanted to help him. I made big points by knowing my way around Gull's Way. I explained about there being two houses and all these roads running in front and behind. I told him that I had keys to the gate so we wouldn't have to worry about the alarm system and about the beach stairs. And I think you oughta know, Judge Hardcastle. He wants to do this himself. He's really looking forward to pulling the trigger on you."

Zora and May cringed slightly, then gathered their composure.

"See, now that's what I'm having trouble believing," said the judge thoughtfully. "I know what he told you in the can, but Arthur Farnell's not the kinda guy who'd do something like that. Are you _sure_ he's not stringing you, Teddy?"

"I'm telling you, Judge. He's serious about this. He brought some other guy with him to my place, a guy named Herman something, and kept telling him how he had to get the guns we'd use, but that he wanted to see the expression on your face when he got you."

"Hmm. Okay, then we go ahead just like we planned. What time they planning to be here?"

"Six o'clock. I told them you'd be just getting ready for dinner and Mark would be at the main house with you." Teddy was matter-of-fact in tone. "We're gonna come in from the west, on the driveway. You're still gonna be next to the pool house?"

"Yeah." The judge was equally collected and nonchalant. "We'll have everything set up and squared away here. You just remember to get out of the way once the actual threat's been made. Got it? You got any questions? Anything you need to know?"

"No, I'm good, Judge Hardcastle." Teddy cleared his throat and said in a reedy voice, "If 'tis done, 'twere well 'twere done quickly when 'tis done."

May covered her eyes and Zora winced.

"Good night, sweet prince," said Hardcastle and hung up.

ooooo

"Look, you don't have to be there for us to get a credible threat made." The judge swatted irritably at a fly that had landed on the table beside his coffee. "Your job oughta be keeping the aunts out of trouble."

"My job, as you very well know, is backing you up and if you think, for one minute, that I'm going to let you waltz around back here by yourself, waiting for somebody to come and shoot you, you're crazier than a coot." McCormick wrapped up his speech by forking more ham onto his plate.

"'Crazier than a coot', huh. Guess I can figure out where you heard that. Who were they talking about?" Hardcastle made another futile swipe at the fly.

"One guess." Mark poured himself more juice and raised his eyebrows at the judge as he motioned with the pitcher.

"Nah, not for me. Damn that fly!"

"Milton!"

The aunts were bringing out more eggs and ham. Zora gave the judge an admonitory tap on the top of his head with her knuckle as May put the platter on the glass-topped table.

"Honestly, Milton." May looked at him in disappointment. "You ought to set a better example for Mark."

McCormick grinned at her and helped himself to more eggs.

The judge hid behind his newspaper and rustled it in annoyance.

"You know, Judge, what you were saying about Farnell last night?" McCormick tried to peer over the top of paper. "Judge?"

"Oh, the muffins!" May and Zora headed back to the kitchen.

"Judge, hey. You were saying something about how being bloodthirsty doesn't fit Farnell's profile."

"Yeah." Hardcastle put the paper down and drank some coffee. "It doesn't. So?"

"Well, he has been in prison, you know. Prison can change a man. Maybe he's . . . different now." Mark stopped to sip at his juice. He was starting to look as though he were sorry to have raised the subject. "Maybe some . . . you know, bad things happened to him and he's . . . I don't know, more violent or something."

"Maybe. You're right, people do change." The judge looked at Mark consideringly. "But prison didn't make you a violent person. I'm just not sure we're seeing the real Arthur Farnell here. Look, are you gonna stay in the house with the aunts or not? I told ya, there's no reason for you to be out here with me."

McCormick chewed thoughtfully and stared at the judge.

Hardcastle gave up with a sigh. "Okay, you win. But you better quit eating if you want to fit in that bullet-proof vest."

The aunts re-appeared with an enormous platter of homemade biscuits.

ooooo

The policeman stationed in the kitchen had the best post. He got milk with his cookies.

"But I _mean_ it, you two." Hardcastle was using his sternest voice. "You stay in the house and if I see you even peeking through a window . . . well, I better _not_, that's all!"

"Yes, Milton," said the aunts meekly.

He glared at them suspiciously, then turned to McCormick. "You tape that uh, _thing _to the chair like I said?"

Zora put a hand on Mark's forearm and answered for him. "Yes, he taped the gun to the chair. We saw him do it this morning right after breakfast."

Hardcastle sighed, then shrugged. "Okay, it's an hour before they're due, so let's get in position."

"Great," grumbled McCormick. "I get to clean the pool for an hour. In a jacket."

"Well, you get to check the chlorine level, too." The judge preceded him out the back door. "And you know we need the jackets to hide the vests."

"You sure they're the right size, Hardcastle? Mine's too tight."

"Hah!" said the judge.

ooooo

Right on time, a pale blue truck drove down the driveway past the garage to the pool area.

Teddy got slowly out on the passenger side and a hefty blond man exited the driver's side.

The judge lowered the magazine he'd been pretending to read and called out, "Teddy? Who's your friend?"

McCormick approached cautiously, trailing the pool skimmer.

"My name's Waldthorpe. Herman Waldthorpe." The blond man pulled a gun from a shoulder holster as he spoke. "Remember it, Judge? You sent me up for robbery six years ago. I've been waiting for this for a _long _time."

"Hold it." The judge stood slowly and stepped to the back of his patio chair. "Where's Farnell? This is supposed to be his scheme, right?"

Waldthorpe cast a startled glance at Teddy, then swung the gun to cover him. "Well, well. So it was a trap for old Artie, huh? Too bad Farnell's got another appointment," he sneered. "He owes me this anyhow. I'm gonna enjoy it." Herman motioned for Teddy to join the judge and then aimed the gun at Hardcastle.

"Wait!" said Teddy nervously. "Farnell wanted me to give this to Hardcastle first, remember?" He held out a white envelope toward the judge.

"Yeah, okay." Herman waved at the envelope with the pistol. "Go ahead, Hardcase. Read Artie's goodbye to you."

The judge reached cautiously for the envelope, keeping an eye on Herman. He ripped it open and withdrew a folded sheet of paper, which read:

"Hardcase – I'm really sorry I can't be there in person for this moment, but be assured I am present in spirit. You must've been enjoying the little scam you were trying to pull. It occurred to me, though, that even if your intriguing Mr. Hollins _was_ a plant, I'd still be out on bail and able to take that long-awaited vacation. Perhaps some day we'll talk over old times if you ever visit my hacienda in San Rio Blanco. Thanks so much for the Get Out of Jail Free card! Very sincerely, Arthur Farnell P.S. If Herman manages to actually aim the gun at you, it'll be the most successful criminal activity he'll ever accomplish."

Just as Hardcastle finished reading the letter and looked up again, he saw the aunts dump a bucket of water over Waldthorpe's head from the balcony above.

Teddy immediately wrenched the gun from his grasp, McCormick leaped to join in wrestling Herman to the ground, policemen erupted from the bushes and the kitchen, and the aunts clapped their hands in glee.

"There!" called May. "Now read his rights off the card and take him away!" She waved her hand flamboyantly.

Zora leaned over the balcony railing. "Dinner in an hour and a half, boys, when you get back from pressing charges."

The judge put a hand over his eyes and groaned softly.

"Milt, you okay?" Lieutenant Harper had finished the initial arrest of Waldthorpe. "You figure Farnell's gone to the airport?"

"Yeah. You want to radio Giles and tell him what we got here? Have him bring Farnell to the station and we'll get everybody processed at the same time." He shook his head and scowled at the aunts. "You just wait'll we get back."

"So, how'd you know Farnell was gonna make a run for it instead of coming here to bump you off?" Harper was waving the policeman up the driveway with their prisoner.

"Yeah, Judge." McCormick had joined them, Teddy trailing along behind. "How'd you figure this was just an opposing scam?"

"Let's get down to the station and let me go through this just once, okay? You all right, Teddy?"

"Yeah, I guess," said Teddy disconsolately. "I guess I'm not as good an actor as I thought."

"Yeah, well," Mark slapped him on the shoulder. "You got to co-star in this melodrama, didn't you?"

ooooo

"There's no legal right for you to hold my client, gentlemen. His bail hasn't been revoked and he hasn't broken any laws. I'm waiting to hear what charges anyone has to bring against him." The speaker was a man in a blue sport coat and grey slacks. He was standing beside a wooden chair where Arthur Farnell lounged comfortably.

"Ah, here are the minions of the law now," said Farnell with a pleased smile as the judge, McCormick, Teddy and Harper trooped into the small room.

Hardcastle nodded at Lieutenant Giles and the other policemen.

"Well, if you're Farnell's lawyer, we can start with conspiracy to commit murder, felon in possession of a handgun, attempted flight from the jurisdiction, and maybe we can throw in an assault charge, too." Hardcastle beamed at both men. "That good enough for you?"

"I am Mr. Farnell's attorney. My name is Breen and I deny any and all of those charges on my client's behalf." He rested a hand on the back of Farnell's chair. "Shall we take them in order?"

The judge waved a hand and rested a hip on the table in the middle of the room. "You go right ahead. I'd like to hear that."

"Firstly, there was no conspiracy to commit murder. My client informed me of a possible undercover police operation of which he became aware while in the county jail and we agreed his best position was to cooperate as completely as he could with the representative of the authorities, one Teddy Hollins. As an addendum to that and with regard to the possession of a handgun, I ask the police to verify at this point that the guns in question were inoperable and if a charge of assault is brought, I will address that separately at that time. Thirdly, there was no flight and no attempted flight from the jurisdiction. My client accompanied me to my private aircraft, but neither boarded it nor did we file a flight plan. Your assumptions as to his future actions do not speak to a charge of flight, Judge Hardcastle. Now, if you'd like my client to testify on a charge of assault by Herman Waldthorpe, I 'm sure he'd be pleased to cooperate."

"He's good, isn't he?" grinned Farnell. "Worth every penny I pay him."

"It's true, Milt." Giles spoke up. "They went to the plane and looked it over and even went inside it. That's what we were waiting for, but it's not going to be good enough with no flight plan, and a nearly empty gas tank." He spread his hands. "Sorry."

"Okay, wait a minute." Hardcastle was pinching the bridge of his nose. "Artie, you wanna talk to me privately, off the record, no attorney?"

"No, Hardcase, I don't. But," Farnell sighed heavily, "as a show of good will, I suppose . . ." He stood up and shook his jacket into place. "Ben, it's okay," he reassured his lawyer.

The judge took Farnell to a corner of the room and whispered, "What's been going on? Have you been scamming me while I've been scamming you?"

"You scammed me first," smiled Farnell. "And you didn't fall for mine any more than I fell for yours. You wouldn't have had me tracked to the airport if you'd bought into the murder scam."

"Yeah, but you saw through that, too, so you made sure the plane was inoperable. Does that make four altogether?"

"Yes, I think it does. Two each. Are we through here, Hardcase? I have dinner reservations at the Brown Derby." Arthur Farnell patted him gently on the arm. "Don't take it so hard. If you didn't fool me, at least you have the consolation of knowing I didn't fool you either."

Hardcastle scowled ferociously as the dapper man waved on his way out the door.

ooooo

"So, he just got away with it? Here, Lieutenant, have some more peas." Zora passed Giles the large china bowl.

"Thank you, ma'am. Yes, he did. But," Giles passed the bowl on to Teddy, "we've still got the jury-tampering charge. I can promise you he won't get off on that one!"

McCormick spooned more macaroni and cheese onto his plate. "I dunno. I wouldn't put anything past that guy at this point."

"Yeah, thanks," said Harper, as Aunt May offered to pour him some more wine. "If we don't nail him on that, I swear I'll retire!"

"Well, at least we got Herman Waldthorpe where he belongs." Hardcastle looked up from his plate. "You all realize Artie did me a favor with that? He knew Waldthorpe had a grudge against me and he set the guy up to go back inside for a while."

The phone rang and Aunt Zora went to the sideboard to answer it.

"This is the _best_ mac and cheese I've ever had." Teddy was on his third helping. "What's in it that makes it so good?"

"Fried onions, diced ham and blue cheese," answered May. "And just a touch of nutmeg."

"Milton," Zora had hung up the phone and returned to the table. "That was for you. It was Mr. Farnell."

All clatter ceased immediately.

Zora smiled uncertainly. "He said to tell you the invitation still stands and _hasta luego_. Do you understand what he means?"

Finis


End file.
